Self Care nearly ruined me. Mental hygiene saved my life.
For the past 5 years, I have been in transition. At age 39 I closed a business I’d had for 18 years. I was forced to redefine my identity, which meant slowly breaking away from who I’d become a shoulder, a counselor, a motivator, a community organizer, a trainer all from behind the hairstyling chair. I had hosted so many fundraisers, voter registration, art shows, wine tastings, baby showers, and events for local activists that people came to expect support from me. Support I has happy to offer.
Closing down the spa meant there was no place for me to be who I was anymore. I did not look for work right away, when I did it was hard to find my place in a corporate structure after having been a founder, manager, and talent. I felt lost. To fill the free time and to feel a sense of purpose I started volunteering so heavily that I formed a volunteer and philanthropic organization. For the next 4 years, I responded to every invitation to join workgroups, national organizations, local activists, and projects serving homeless people or youth. I was hypervigilant when it came to equality.
I slowly silently and secretly fell into a depression that could only be described as quicksand. I thought that I was ok. It was like laying on the beach enjoying the sun, until eventually, you’re stuck, depressed unable to move and soon unable to breathe. One morning I didn't want to “ be here” anymore. Hard to describe but I knew it was a dangerous and likely a suicidal feeling. I talked to my brother but he didn't know how to help so I went to therapy unfortunately that only opened old wounds and did little to repair whatever was wrong.
So, I quit therapy and began my Self-care journey. Every thought leader was talking about self-care and“ cutting off those that don't serve you”.I already take a lot of baths but I added more! And candles lots of those. Clearly, I hadn't loved myself enough and needed to spend more time lotioning my skin, and being gentle with myself, and saying affirmations. When my mom and I argued and fell out, instead of making up I cut her off because she was “no longer serving my higher purpose” it was honestly a relief too.
I ordered a ton of the prettiest smelling lotion, and stocked up on my favorite perfumes, and bought all new lip colors! Retail therapy was a thing I’d heard so I tried fucking off my money for a change. It felt awful — I kept going. I spent more time in nature, in the Redwoods, and at the beach which I love. I went to spas until I was bored of them. I bought a ton of bathing suits and traveled at every opportunity. In one year I traveled to Chicago, New York, Paris, Philadelphia, Beverly Hills, and Mexico. Nothing inside was changing, I was still in a perpetual bad mood but with the sunniest disposition. I slept almost the entire time I was in Paris and only left the hotel to eat at the recommended restaurants and to see the NYE fireworks. I didn't even want to Instagram my experiences. I went on dates here and there and hung out with friends sometimes. New people would be attracted to me and I made friends easily but they’d soon runoff because my patience was so thin I’d lash out in frustration and without warning. I was very aware of how much others irritated me, but not sure why I was the only one suffering. Other people seemed to get along just fine without being triggered as often as I was.
I began spending more and more time alone, feeling the relief of only seeing people who did not anger me. Then the pandemic hit, I’d stocked up on so much self-care bullshit that I didn't need or want to leave my house anyway. I had gained a lot of weight from eating out and not exercising that I couldn't fit anything that wasn't stretchy, but nobody was gonna see me anyways. So, I didn't care about that either.
I was no longer able to travel and run away from my problems in a new city with new people like before. Now- I truly was stuck forced to stay home and look at the mess I’d made in my home and in my life. All I wanted to do was find someone else to clean it up for me.
I blame my mother and my upbringing a lot because she and my father fucked up a lot. But one day I made a discovery that changed everything. While doing research on the cause of mental illness for some work I was doing, I found that although a lot of it is genetic, and can stem from trauma (which 89% of society has) it also comes from not having (or using) the tools to cultivate a happy life. Tools like those used in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy helps you become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking so you can view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more effective way.) I immediately got a therapist that agreed to CBT treatment as I felt it related to my symptoms caused by adverse experiences i’d had in childhood that were still affecting me today.
Cultivation is the keyword here because physical health and functioning systems rely on a sufficient amount of sleep, nutrition physical safety to keep the organs functional, the brain rational, and free from toxic stress- a silent killer.
Toxic stress is like plaque it erodes the brain if left alone it can kill brain cells and even reduce the size of the brain. It has a shrinking effect on the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for memory and learning. While stress can shrink the prefrontal cortex, it can increase the size of the amygdala, which can make the brain more receptive to stress. Who knew that mental hygiene must be maintained as thoroughly as dental hygiene.
I realized the connection between cleaning our teeth regularly and cleaning the mental.
We brush, floss, rinse, place retainers on, deep clean and whiten our teeth daily. But people would live longer, have less chronic pain, less depression, suicide, addiction and overall happiness with mental hygiene.
My process:
Clean-regularly meditate and allow my mind to be clear.
Floss-be intimate and honest with myself about my shortcomings, needs, and personal disappointments
Rinse-forgive myself with compassion and let go.
Deep clean- Prayer and chakra work.
retainers- communicate my boundaries and needs clearly.
Whitening- count my blessings /Gratitude
Every week I commit to myself to do better, process and purge what's necessary, then move on. I have not been depressed because counting blessings instantly puts me in a better mood. I have felt liberation because purging old beliefs like “ I have to sacrifice my needs to benefit others in order to be loved” as well as purging too small clothes makes room in my closet and life to identify experiences better suited to meet my needs. I learned to be self-fulfilling without the fear of being selfish. And I built bridges to form a more realistic and healthy relationship with my mom void of blame. Although she was part of my experience with trauma,I alone have the power and now the tools to heal from it.
I spoke to my therapist yesterday and shared my new “ mental hygiene “ health maintenance program, It made her so proud. She reminded me of the growth I've had since I started and I realized how treating trauma with bath salts and vacations had stunted my growth, threatened my emotional health, led me to deep depression and cut me off from truly enjoying my life.
